Why “Communication issues” are not always what it seems: What's really going on when we struggle to communicate?

Why do we struggle so much just talking about what we want or need?

As a Relationship Coach, and I’m sure many couples therapist and marriage counsellors will have heard the same phrase from people seeking help with their relationship…. 

“We need to work on our communication”

Despite all your efforts, applying different techniques the same arguments keep resurfacing with what feels like a never-ending cycle.  No wonder we can feel exhausted, despondent and sometimes even feel hopeless about our future together.  

Sound familiar?

What if I told you that most of your "communication problems" aren't actually about communication at all? If you're constantly telling yourself, "We just need to communicate better," you might be missing what's really happening on a deeper level in your relationship.

Beyond the words:  It’s not just about the words we say:

When we’ve been in a relationship with our partner for some time, we become attuned and get to know the subtle forms of communication.  It’s not always the words they say that have an impact on us - it might be the clench their jaw, their particular tone of voice, we might clock them rolling their eyes.  

We interpret these signals through our own lens, and in that split moment, we feel disconnected. These small gestures can trigger something that goes much deeper within us, normally a shame that often has it’s roots long before this relationship began. 

So what’s really happening when we’re not getting understood by our partners?

Let’s take a common point of conflict -  Household chores.. “You never help around the house”.. 

A lot of the time it’s easier for us to state what’s going on externally, in this case the chores.  It’s much safer to argue about the chores than to have a scary conversation about what we’re really feeling in that moment. But when we look underneath the bonnet and taker a deeper look internally what’s actually often being felt is unappreciated, under valued and unseen.    

We fear what we really feel might damage the relationship even more or worse still, we fear our vulnerabilities will lead to rejection, or not being enough.

So we continue to communicate safely which ironically creates more distance.

When our Communication Styles clash under stress

Most of us, during a heightened state of stress or anger, our communication skills tend to be lost in that moment.  Our brain struggles to access those carefully learned skills, and we default into our knee-jerk reactions.

Do you avoid conflict at all costs, withdraw or exiting as soon as tension or conflict arises?  Or do your ground,  holding in there fighting to be understood until the bitter end? Or do you go into fixing mode “tell me how I can make this better for you, how I can fix this” plumping up the cushions, trying to make everything better?

Whichever response feels natural to you can feel like rejection to your partner.  What looks like a communication problem is actually different emotional strategies clashing in a moment of heightened stress.

Power struggles lead to resentment

When the argument becomes about parenting decisions, holiday plans, days out or even where to go for dinner can often reveal underlying power dynamics.  When we find ourselves routinely compromising, resentment gradually builds.

How many times do you feel you’ve settled, not spoken the truth of what you really want - either to your partner or to yourself?  How many unhealthy compromises have you made?  Over time, you start to feel invalidated.  This builds resentment, and resentment kills relationships and certainly kills intimacy. 

Do you have conflicting core needs?

Sometimes in a relationship one person might value independence, while the other might deeply value togetherness.

When it comes to conflicting needs, no amount of arguing is going to change the situation.  It’s a conflicting need but can be interpreted personally.  These differences can feel deeply personal: “They don’t want to spend time with me” or “They always need me to be with them”. 

Once agin, the path forward requires honesty around these conflicting needs and having the courage to be vulnerable.  Understanding each other and communicating these needs will help you come to a healthy mutual compromise. 

When fear blocks honesty

Are certain topics out of bounds in your relationship?  Maybe discussions around finances triggers conflict - one of you wants to save the other wants to spends more freely.  After numerous attempts to address these differences it only leads to more tension.  So in order not to rock the boat, it’s safer to avoid the subject altogether. 

Listening to respond:  We can all be guilty of that at one point in time I’m sure. We wait for our turn speak and get our side across without truly taking in deeply what the other person is saying or asking for. 

Emotional Overload

When our emotions are running high our capacity to communicate effectively plummets, we can’t seem to articulate what is truly important to us in that moment.  We’ve all had moments when we’ve wished we hadn’t said something in the “heat of the moment”. 

During an emotional overload the biological response makes productive communication virtually impossible, no matter how good your skills might be when in a calm, regulated state. 

So how can we communicate more effectively?

5 Practical steps to better relationship communication: 

If you’ve read this far then maybe this all sounds familiar to you. Here are 5 suggestions to help you get started. 

1. Notice when things are really heating up and call a time-out.  Go for a walk for 10-20 minutes, practice some breathing.  But do give yourselves a time limit and commit to returning to continue the conversation. 

2. Ask yourself “What am I really feeling right now”?  Beneath the anger or frustration.

3. Stay in the uncomfortable feeling rather than rushing to resolve them or hiding behind the safer emotions.

4. Listen deeply to understand what your partner is saying when you’re not caught up in your own reactions 

5. Respond to what you’ve heard rather than out of fear, shame or rejection. 

Identify your relationship patterns for better communication:

Many couples have the same fight but in a different context.  There is normally a recognisable pattern:  one might withdraw when felt criticised and the other might push harder when feeling dismissed

It might be helpful to keep a note so you can see the pattern more clearly.  - When you can identify the pattern you can interrupt it.

Safety is the true foundation for communication

Being open and vulnerable can only ever happen when you both know that it’s a safe enough space to do so. You need to have a safe space for you to make mistakes, to experience difficult feelings, and to express what’s on your mind or in your heart without feeling fearful the relationship is being threatened.  

Together, in relationship, we can heal each other.  But healing requires safety.    

Try to remember that some things remain difficult to talk about even when you understood each other perfectly.  There will always be feelings that feel scary to share.  

The most successful relationships don’t necessary come from the perfect communication skills or techniques, but from being vulnerable, honest, and allowing the other person to have their reactions to your thoughts and feelings while seeing the other person as an individual with their own needs, fears and dreams. 

In the end, we all bring our wounds to the relationship.  The relationship itself is where those wounds can be healed and nurtured with loving care. 

This might sound easier said than than done when the very person you need comfort from is the same person looking at us as if they don’t even like you anymore. 

Finding your way through communication challenges

When you're caught in these negative communication cycles, remember that what's happening is rarely just about the words. Your relationship challenges aren't because you're "bad communicators"—they're because you're two human beings with complex emotions, histories, and needs trying to connect deeply with each other.

The path forward begins when both partners feel truly seen and heard, not just for the words they speak, but for the deeper truths those words are trying to express.

True communication isn't about finding perfect words—it's about creating a relationship where both of you feel safe enough to speak about what you’re feeling inside and to be brave enough to hear what is really being said underneath it all.